Anxiety was a bitch today.
It’s Thursday, we’re on day one million eight hundred and forty three of the stay at home order. I’ve been working from home for my 9-5 and I’m grateful that we’re able to work from home and even more so that they’re willing to work with me on a schedule so I can work and homeschool the kids. I typically start at 7am, work until 10am, log off for two hours, and then work noon until five.
I woke up super late today, like twenty minutes before I was supposed to start work with a headache from the weather change. Freaking low pressure systems suck ass.
By 3pm I’d had 4 cups of coffee (read: 8 cups)
I made healthy choices this morning...I only had one coffee and had two 25oz bottles of water before I had my second cup of coffee. I had a healthy breakfast and no unnecessary snacking.
I was super conscious of how I was feeling and what affect anxiety was having on me. I didn’t want it to negatively impact our daughter’s e-learning. I handle hers and my husband handles our son’s.
I caught myself a couple of times getting angry, because that’s what my anxiety does, it makes me a raging asshole. All in all it was a good day for e-learning
Once it was over, though, my anxiety came back full force.
I ate a whole bag of chips. A small bag, but a whole bag nonetheless. And that started a spiral of unnecessary snacking and more coffee.
If you haven’t experienced anxiety, let alone anxiety in a mom brain, think of it like this…
Remember in the days of using internet explorer, it would glitch and tell you there was an error and all the windows would pop up and tile and there were a million of them and you couldn’t find the main one to close everything and you had to use task manager to kill it all.
That’s what my head was like today. I would get close to “normal”, whatever the fuck that means, and then another hundred windows would pop up And there wasn’t a task manager available to kill all the unnecessary programs.
I couldn’t concentrate on work, I couldn’t listen to a podcast or even music. Every little noise was bothering me, the light from the laptop was bothering me, the throbbing of my headache was louder and louder.
I couldn’t sit for more than 10 minutes at a time before I had to get up and do something.
Every worry I’ve had in the last couple of years resurfaced in my head. I dismissed each and every one of them...EVERY DAMNED TIME they would bubble to the top.
I even identified the feelings I was having around all this unnecessary snacking. I knew why I was having them and I knew what I should do to stop it and to face it head on.
But I didn’t do it.
Twenty to thirty minutes of journaling could have set me straight and corrected my path for the day. But instead, I allowed myself to spiral into everything my anxiety was saying.
By 4pm I was sitting at the dining room table, both legs bouncing from all the nerves and pent up energy the anxiety caused.
I ran to the store after work, grabbed some necessities and some dairy free ice cream and headed back home.
I’m finishing out the night with my fourth bottle of water and a workout and writing this.
My point in all of this is to let you know that whatever you’re struggling with, anxiety, depression, a combination of the two , or anything else.
It’s okay to just BE. As long as you can take the day and still learn something about yourself. As long as you can take the day and still find a positive. As long as you can acknowledge whatever it was you were feeling and be honest with yourself about why.
Questions to ask yourself...questions I ask myself when this happens.
Sitting and allowing your anxiety to drive you, that won’t get you very far - well, it might get you into a doctors office, or it might put you into a bad spot in the relationships with those you care about.
Taking action is how you can make anxiety your bitch. Asking yourself questions that bring you to the present is what’s going to help you create a plan to act on.
So, here’s to all of us struggling with our bullshit and coming out of it on the other side that much better, for ourselves and for our loved ones, because we decide to take action instead of sit back and listen to the lies that anxiety tells us.